Well it's been a year

As I said, it's been a year since I've posted
I would really love to say that things have gotten better, but that would be a lie.
The counselling that I was receiving has now stopped as "they can't help me" & I feel very alone & yes pretty scared.
I'm still on the maximum dose of my "happy pills" that they will allow me & to be honest it's no better
The "bad thoughts" keep creeping back into my head & it's a constant fight to give in to them.
I can't get closure with the people that I really need it from & it's continually driving me insane.
One I can't face because I'm still in love with her & the other woman I want to face & be a friend to, won't speak to me & treats me as I don't exist. That sort of confirms my lack of self esteem & makes the condition far worse. I didn't need 8 months of counselling to make me know that, but hey, that's what they kept saying at the sessions.
What is wrong with me?? If I could let it go, I really would but it keeps me awake most nights.
I went out riding on the weekend & had a very near miss with a speeding Ambulance that was overtaking a non-vigilant driver. I didn't "break my line" and didn't even think about swerving. I was doing 29 & the Ambulance I estimate was doing around 50mph. That would have been quick :)

I guess that maybe if the urges do overtake the rational & I do leave this world prematurely, maybe someone will read this one day & sort of make sense of the pain I'm going through.
I also wonder if anyone would really miss me after the initial shock had passed...honestly,I doubt it though

See you in a year....maybe

More Drugs...how did they do it in the "olden days" ?

Diazepam...that's what they gave me
No Catherine Diaz before me, so this stuff can't be my kind of fun.
A months stuff they gave me (at my NHS prescription cost) probably not clever (well not the way I feel right now)
It's supposed to relieve the symptoms of anxiety that I suffer...like as it can..not a hope...really.
I'd rather the root cause was sorted and not just the symptoms treated

Well at least I'm consistant

Well in the way that my head works anyway.
The nightmares are back with a vengeance, four terrible nights on a row. I don't want to back to the being afraid to go to sleep situation.
After I had my initial bad spell in 1998 when I got divorced,  I never dreamt or at least never noticed I did and had no noticeable sleep loss.
So why the hell do I now?  Maybe my life is more complicated now? It was just as shit then as it is now, just with increased money problems now.
Maybe it's the feeling that my life is not going to get better than it is at the moment. That's a pretty horrible thought to me to be honest....I hate being me
I don't want to give up, but I don't think I have a lot to look forward to considering what life's been like so far for me.
You never know

Umm err well

I met the lady
She was as lovelly a person as she was on the phone



The lady is back in the arms of the man she really needs to be with

Does it hurt?   yeah, a lot but THAT was my choice for once
I wish them both all the love and happiness that they can fit into their hearts

Things Looking Up....well it seems that way to me

I'm posting this and somehow dooming to the fate that has befallen every relationship that I have had with the opposite sex..............

It's strange where relationships come from I think.
When you want one, they never materialise. When you are in a better place & starting to cope on your own, all of a sudden one drops out of the sky and lands on your face (& wiggles). You can take that in any way you like

I've been chatting to someone online who put her hand out to me for comfort many months ago. Very recently she was suddenly in a similar situation to mine and she asked for me for comfort. As soon as I found out I was in contact.
We spend hours on the phone and we've really hit it off & my head is constantly preoccupied with thoughts of her & by all accounts she's feeling the same thing.

For the first time in months I'm actually smiling. I think it's worrying a few people to be honest. The Paul they know doesn't smile....he must be ill.
Well a month ago if I knew I was ill & dying I would have welcomed it. Now...nope, no way I'd fight to live!!
Someone has breathed life back into me & I love it, I really do.

I feel more positive about me & I like me more. And the best thing is.....I can be totally JUST me. I don't have to put on any pretense, because she seems to like me the way I actually am. Now that has to be a rarity in a woman. Well the ones I've met anyway. I don't have to watch my language, I don't have to mind my "p's & q's", we can talk openly & frankly and it's all okay with her. It's very refreshing.

As I said, I've probably now doomed the relationship to the rubbish pile that has been my lovelife so far, but I just wanted to tell someone/anyone about how great I was feeling at the moment.

Take care all
(if there is anyone that actually reads this ofc )

One step forward, take 2 back

Well the title says it all really. Every time I think I'm making some progress to get my life in order, something comes along and shoots me down in flames again. I will keep trying but sometimes I do really just feel like crawling under a rock & saying f**k it. It doesn't even have to be a big thing that does it either. Just seeing certain people or in this case, person, when I'm out can ruin my whole night as happened Saturday.
I was having a surprisingly good evening until my ex GF walked in. The fact that she hasn't spoken to me in the past 3 weeks since my breakdown is very upsetting to me.

Maybe it's the lack of things to look forward to in my life that keeps me down. I haven't had a holiday since August 2009. I can't really afford to meet my monthly outgoings, so there is no way I can justify spending money I need to keep myself fed & a roof over my head on a trip away. To be honest, the thought of going away on my own scares the crap out of me anyway.

I find my self withdrawing into the safety of my flat more & more. It really is an effort to just to get my Lycra on and go out on my bike. I love it when I'm out riding but the effort it takes to get ready, check my bike over, carry it down the stairs is enough to put me off doing it. It's no excuse really I know, just lack of motivation on my part.

Up to Speed

Well that first post was written in November past and I only today posted it..lack of motivation I guess.
I've had lots of stuff happen before and after the first post so I'll give you the "Readers Digest" version of what's happened.
Right...lets get you filled in & up to date (if you can be bothered to read it ofc)

After my first marriage failed and me trying to carry on with life, that wonderful Aussie Government Department, The Child Support Agency garnished my wages each week to such a point that I was selling personal items on a weekly basis just to eat. There was no negotiating with them...f**k knows I tried.
As I was born in the UK and had a British Passport & I had nothing here to keep me in Australia I sold whatever I had left and bought a plane ticket and departed my home & my friends

             
I moved in with my UK family in the New Forest. I slept on the couch in the lounge for months. I soon got a job at a local Country Club, Elmers Court. Well that place put me off working in the Hospitality Trade FOREVER!!

I met who was to be my 2nd wife, Dawn not long after. Dawn soon fell pregnant with our son. I moved in just after he was born. We married a couple of years later. Our daughter was born 3 years later. Things fell apart & I make no bones about it, a lot of it was down to me. I tend to get obsessive about my interests. Not on purpose, it just happens. Personally I think that it has something to do with my Depression but I'm not a Doctor so...
We divorced in 1998 (*cue Nervous Breakdown) but reunited late 1999 & I moved back into the family home in 2000.
I'm not going to go into the messy details about what she did, but we had a major domestic late march 2010 & Dawn asked me to move out. (*cue Nervous Breakdown) Three days curled up in a ball in the conservatory on the couch drifting in & out of lucidness.

After a week I moved into the flat I currently still reside in. I'd say I live here but I can't really honestly describe what I do here is LIVE. I exist.


After three weeks or so of only leaving the flat to go to work, I decided I had better try and crawl out from under the rock and go socialise with the rest of the population, so I went to check out the local pubs.
I soon started getting to know the regulars and make friends. I soon met a lovely lady that I would have a wonderful relationship with for 6 months. She was going through a divorce & we had & still do have a lot in common. When the divorce was finalised and the family home was finally sold, she & her sons moved into a large flat of their own. It wasn't long after, December, she announced that she didn't want to be with me & just wanted to go back to being friends. Painful?  Uh yeah. I felt my heart stop, I swear I did. I held it together...not.
To be fair, she still did make a wonderful friend & we still did things together. I was still in love but what are you gonna do? Better to have her around as a friend than not to see her at all. Yes it was frustrating, but I was getting used to the idea and started feeling content in the "relationship"

In the week leading up to New Years I slipped on the outside stairs and as it turned out, cracked 2 of my ribs. I was in agony. I had to work New Years Eve during the day. My Manager noticed I was in a lot of pain & he insisted on driving me to A&E. They don't strap ribs up anymore..go figure. They just gave me painkillers and said what to do & what not to do.
Well after they let us go from work on the Friday at 3.00pm, I was feeling great so I just plain went & ignored one of the rules...don't drink. Gonna regret that one I tells ya.
I felt fine, more than fine in fact, I was feeling great. It was almost too great, I felt invulnerable. I was out with my friends & my ex GF. I picked a fight on the dance floor with some guy that elbowed me a couple of times. Nothing happened, but I did go up to the guy shortly after and apologise for being a d**k.
I walked my ex GF home as I usually did. That's when it happened. I wish I knew what happened but I don't. I can't remember a single thing about the conversation. It is like somebody cut into my brain and removed a whole block of my memory. Try as I might, I cannot recall any of it apart from being asked to leave. My next memories are of my riding my MTB along the seawall, then running along the seawall.
Somehow I actually made it back to the flat.

It was the Monday before I saw my ex again. I wanted to explain what had happened. I was still on the painkillers and I was shaking, my mouth was dry and my mind started running at a million mph & I couldn't stop it. I started to panic as I felt that black hole swallow me up & I just wanted it to stop, I just wanted to die then & there! I almost hanged myself in my flat. I was ready to step off the chair, but just couldn't do it for whatever reason.
I opened the door & I ran. I ran down to the seawall & text a friend who has Depression "issues" of her own. The next I know I'm getting calls & texts from my ex & another friend, who is a nurse. She came and met me and we went and had a chat for a couple of hours
A lot of the 3rd of January is a fuzzy mess to me & I can't deny or confirm the things I said, did or anything. I mean what's the point? The ex GF seems to think that I did what I did to get her attention. Yeah right!! Wish I had thought of that pearl of wisdom. If anything was going to make situation worse, it would have been just that. her not understanding Depression was a contributing factor. Not everything is black & white.

I spent most of the next week not really sleeping or eating, but yes..drinking...not that I could actually afford the habit. My mind kept drifting off to thoughts of how to kill myself if I didn't keep myself busy.
The Friday night I went out and my saw my ex and she ignored me when I tried to speak to her. That hurt!!
I almost got into another scrap in another pub due to my foul mood I had been put in but friends got me out of there & got me home safely...thanks Charlie

That brings you up to date so far. Sorry for the ramblings & rants. I think the the last 11 days or so are what made me re-open my blog and write. Hopefully it will be a release for my thoughts & frustrations that I can't actually say to anyone even though I wish I could.