Well it's been a year

As I said, it's been a year since I've posted
I would really love to say that things have gotten better, but that would be a lie.
The counselling that I was receiving has now stopped as "they can't help me" & I feel very alone & yes pretty scared.
I'm still on the maximum dose of my "happy pills" that they will allow me & to be honest it's no better
The "bad thoughts" keep creeping back into my head & it's a constant fight to give in to them.
I can't get closure with the people that I really need it from & it's continually driving me insane.
One I can't face because I'm still in love with her & the other woman I want to face & be a friend to, won't speak to me & treats me as I don't exist. That sort of confirms my lack of self esteem & makes the condition far worse. I didn't need 8 months of counselling to make me know that, but hey, that's what they kept saying at the sessions.
What is wrong with me?? If I could let it go, I really would but it keeps me awake most nights.
I went out riding on the weekend & had a very near miss with a speeding Ambulance that was overtaking a non-vigilant driver. I didn't "break my line" and didn't even think about swerving. I was doing 29 & the Ambulance I estimate was doing around 50mph. That would have been quick :)

I guess that maybe if the urges do overtake the rational & I do leave this world prematurely, maybe someone will read this one day & sort of make sense of the pain I'm going through.
I also wonder if anyone would really miss me after the initial shock had passed...honestly,I doubt it though

See you in a year....maybe