One step forward, take 2 back

Well the title says it all really. Every time I think I'm making some progress to get my life in order, something comes along and shoots me down in flames again. I will keep trying but sometimes I do really just feel like crawling under a rock & saying f**k it. It doesn't even have to be a big thing that does it either. Just seeing certain people or in this case, person, when I'm out can ruin my whole night as happened Saturday.
I was having a surprisingly good evening until my ex GF walked in. The fact that she hasn't spoken to me in the past 3 weeks since my breakdown is very upsetting to me.

Maybe it's the lack of things to look forward to in my life that keeps me down. I haven't had a holiday since August 2009. I can't really afford to meet my monthly outgoings, so there is no way I can justify spending money I need to keep myself fed & a roof over my head on a trip away. To be honest, the thought of going away on my own scares the crap out of me anyway.

I find my self withdrawing into the safety of my flat more & more. It really is an effort to just to get my Lycra on and go out on my bike. I love it when I'm out riding but the effort it takes to get ready, check my bike over, carry it down the stairs is enough to put me off doing it. It's no excuse really I know, just lack of motivation on my part.

Up to Speed

Well that first post was written in November past and I only today posted it..lack of motivation I guess.
I've had lots of stuff happen before and after the first post so I'll give you the "Readers Digest" version of what's happened.
Right...lets get you filled in & up to date (if you can be bothered to read it ofc)

After my first marriage failed and me trying to carry on with life, that wonderful Aussie Government Department, The Child Support Agency garnished my wages each week to such a point that I was selling personal items on a weekly basis just to eat. There was no negotiating with them...f**k knows I tried.
As I was born in the UK and had a British Passport & I had nothing here to keep me in Australia I sold whatever I had left and bought a plane ticket and departed my home & my friends

             
I moved in with my UK family in the New Forest. I slept on the couch in the lounge for months. I soon got a job at a local Country Club, Elmers Court. Well that place put me off working in the Hospitality Trade FOREVER!!

I met who was to be my 2nd wife, Dawn not long after. Dawn soon fell pregnant with our son. I moved in just after he was born. We married a couple of years later. Our daughter was born 3 years later. Things fell apart & I make no bones about it, a lot of it was down to me. I tend to get obsessive about my interests. Not on purpose, it just happens. Personally I think that it has something to do with my Depression but I'm not a Doctor so...
We divorced in 1998 (*cue Nervous Breakdown) but reunited late 1999 & I moved back into the family home in 2000.
I'm not going to go into the messy details about what she did, but we had a major domestic late march 2010 & Dawn asked me to move out. (*cue Nervous Breakdown) Three days curled up in a ball in the conservatory on the couch drifting in & out of lucidness.

After a week I moved into the flat I currently still reside in. I'd say I live here but I can't really honestly describe what I do here is LIVE. I exist.


After three weeks or so of only leaving the flat to go to work, I decided I had better try and crawl out from under the rock and go socialise with the rest of the population, so I went to check out the local pubs.
I soon started getting to know the regulars and make friends. I soon met a lovely lady that I would have a wonderful relationship with for 6 months. She was going through a divorce & we had & still do have a lot in common. When the divorce was finalised and the family home was finally sold, she & her sons moved into a large flat of their own. It wasn't long after, December, she announced that she didn't want to be with me & just wanted to go back to being friends. Painful?  Uh yeah. I felt my heart stop, I swear I did. I held it together...not.
To be fair, she still did make a wonderful friend & we still did things together. I was still in love but what are you gonna do? Better to have her around as a friend than not to see her at all. Yes it was frustrating, but I was getting used to the idea and started feeling content in the "relationship"

In the week leading up to New Years I slipped on the outside stairs and as it turned out, cracked 2 of my ribs. I was in agony. I had to work New Years Eve during the day. My Manager noticed I was in a lot of pain & he insisted on driving me to A&E. They don't strap ribs up anymore..go figure. They just gave me painkillers and said what to do & what not to do.
Well after they let us go from work on the Friday at 3.00pm, I was feeling great so I just plain went & ignored one of the rules...don't drink. Gonna regret that one I tells ya.
I felt fine, more than fine in fact, I was feeling great. It was almost too great, I felt invulnerable. I was out with my friends & my ex GF. I picked a fight on the dance floor with some guy that elbowed me a couple of times. Nothing happened, but I did go up to the guy shortly after and apologise for being a d**k.
I walked my ex GF home as I usually did. That's when it happened. I wish I knew what happened but I don't. I can't remember a single thing about the conversation. It is like somebody cut into my brain and removed a whole block of my memory. Try as I might, I cannot recall any of it apart from being asked to leave. My next memories are of my riding my MTB along the seawall, then running along the seawall.
Somehow I actually made it back to the flat.

It was the Monday before I saw my ex again. I wanted to explain what had happened. I was still on the painkillers and I was shaking, my mouth was dry and my mind started running at a million mph & I couldn't stop it. I started to panic as I felt that black hole swallow me up & I just wanted it to stop, I just wanted to die then & there! I almost hanged myself in my flat. I was ready to step off the chair, but just couldn't do it for whatever reason.
I opened the door & I ran. I ran down to the seawall & text a friend who has Depression "issues" of her own. The next I know I'm getting calls & texts from my ex & another friend, who is a nurse. She came and met me and we went and had a chat for a couple of hours
A lot of the 3rd of January is a fuzzy mess to me & I can't deny or confirm the things I said, did or anything. I mean what's the point? The ex GF seems to think that I did what I did to get her attention. Yeah right!! Wish I had thought of that pearl of wisdom. If anything was going to make situation worse, it would have been just that. her not understanding Depression was a contributing factor. Not everything is black & white.

I spent most of the next week not really sleeping or eating, but yes..drinking...not that I could actually afford the habit. My mind kept drifting off to thoughts of how to kill myself if I didn't keep myself busy.
The Friday night I went out and my saw my ex and she ignored me when I tried to speak to her. That hurt!!
I almost got into another scrap in another pub due to my foul mood I had been put in but friends got me out of there & got me home safely...thanks Charlie

That brings you up to date so far. Sorry for the ramblings & rants. I think the the last 11 days or so are what made me re-open my blog and write. Hopefully it will be a release for my thoughts & frustrations that I can't actually say to anyone even though I wish I could.

First post...lettting it all out..sorta I guess

Hi, my name is Paul, I'm 45
I live in The New Forest in Hampshire in England
I guess this blog is just a vent for the pain & loneliness I have had to deal  with since I can remember. I don't have anyone that I can "spill my guts" to. Maybe this blog will be some sort of release or something for me or someone in the same situation or mental state as me.
I grew up in Australia although I was born in the UK.
As far back as I can recall, I've never felt wanted or loved.
I guess that ever since I found out that I was put up for adoption at 4 days old (my adopted parents told me on my 13th  birthday ...gee thanks for that..what a gift)...I guess I felt that nobody ever wanted me.

Right let me say now that I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression a long time ago. In 1990 for the first time, not that anything was done about it. I tried to hang myself. I don't know why to be honest. I just didn't want to exist anymore. The tiniest hassle became an insurmountable problem and killing myself seemed to be a perfectly logical way of sorting it out. My marriage had failed. My ex-wife had taken my daughter away and I was left alone. I had moved to an area of Brisbane where I didn't know anyone, but all my now ex-wife's family and friends all lived.